Undesirable

The older I get, the more I realize that I was programmed to think that adult life was going to be full.

Well I guess they sort of got that right.

It’s full of worry about not being good enough. Right now, it could be not being good enough for myself, my partner, my work, my friends, my family, my community….world. It could be everything at once. If anything, my anxieties have only expanded as I’ve realized the flaws in the world and, therefore, myself.

Why I am I here today? Multiple forms of rejection that I’m not going to specify, partially because of privacy, but also because I don’t think the actual events matter so much as expressing how I feel now.

I keep thinking if I check enough boxes, I’ll be happy. But, I’m not; or maybe I just keep adding more boxes. I’m not sure, but it feels like everything is becoming bigger and harder to control.

Do you ever feel like this, too?

Advertisements

Salutations

I’ve never done this before, so excuse my crappy layout and whatnot – work in progress.

I guess I should start by introducing myself. My name is Amelia. I’m in my mid-twenties, and I work as an editor for a pharma communications company; I count myself seriously lucky to have found a job within my profession – but yes, it’s pretty much as exciting as it sounds haha.

Like most people my/our age, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety from a young age, although I didn’t really identify that until I was hitting college. I’m a perfectionist, highly-critical of myself, very sensitive to the opinions of others, and in a fairly constant state of panicking that I’m not doing enough with my life/on the right path/being a good enough person/…..you get the idea. Basically, how I feel like we all feel, even if we don’t say it.

It’s not like I can tell my whole life story in one post, but I do hope that with time I can help myself by being both committed to writing and being honest with myself and the hypothetical you.

Enjoy a quote from my favorite book (although not the one I (recently) had tattooed on my arm)

I have dreamt in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind.

– Emily Bronteroad3-L.jpg

 

Weekend

Howdy friends.

Do you sometimes feel like you have a love/hate relationship with the weekend? I swear I spend all week fantasizing about how I’m going to do something different or fun or whatever; then I hit Friday, and all I want to do is curl into myself and lay in bed. Then Sunday night, I kick myself for not spending more time outside, starting a new workout routine, new recipe – whatever I’d told myself I could/should/would do for myself.

It’s definitely not all the time. I have great weekends, but I guess today is more of a sunken feeling to kick it off. It’s for such dumb reasons – I have therapy in the middle of the day tomorrow, my family invited themselves over after, and I know after that it’ll feel like that was the day. But as I type that, I realize I’m creating another one of my self fulfilling prophecies…haha, the benefits of blogging I guess, I made myself laugh.

So I’m here basically to hold myself accountable – go into tomorrow with a better attitude. I know what’s coming, and I have to make the best of the day. I do actually like my family, they just tend to show up whenever they’d like.

Here’s hoping that I, you, we have a positive outlook heading into the weekend.

It’s Been a While

Hello digital audience.

Is there any better proof of my inability to stick to something than the fact that it took me over a month to write again? I’m trying to stick to a routine better now – we’ll see how that goes lol.

So the reason I’m back today is because I finally am forcing myself to see a therapist for the first time in a while. I’m so apprehensive, because I know the first few appointments tend to be a history lesson – one where the person just constantly says “oh your mom is a point of a lot of your problem”…..to which I internally roll my eyes because, duh.

I’m going for the reasons I stated earlier. I want to be a better partner and friend. I hope I’m making some strides on those, but I’m never sure. Can anyone be sure of how another person is interpreting their actions and feeling towards them? Sure would be nice.

I hope therapy helps. I’ve never found it highly effective, but maybe others have.

Wouldn’t that be nice, too.

Loss

This has been a really hard weekend so far.

I adopted a pup a few weeks back and surprised my boyfriend (who admittedly needed an adjustment period – very surprised). We both feel in love with our dog Q; however, over the weeks he became more violent and reactionary, eventually to the point where we weren’t equipped to help with his behavior.

I am broken for a few reasons. I miss him so terribly already. He had such a happy personality and I hate to wonder what or who created his more defensive reactions.

Another reason is the heartbreak I’m watching my bf go through. He didn’t get the happiness of picking the dog out and only got to experience loss. It’s very hard on him, and it’s hard to know my decision caused this.

I don’t know what to say or do to make anything better this time

Today

Today is a down day, as I call them. We all have our own variations – there are some days where I don’t like myself, where I am in life, and how I spend my time. It’s easy to feel this way now since half of our lives are spent comparing ourselves to one another – I guess that’s why I don’t really see a pattern to when they happen. There isn’t really a “trigger” so much as I think about the negative things I try to ignore all at once, all the time, all day…until something else happens and my mood swings back.

It feels like such an excuse to explain to people, but it’s nice to admit. Some days I’m not okay, I don’t know why, and there’s not much I can do to fix it. It’s a shit reason to give your boyfriend (not speaking from experience or anything…..), but it’s the truth.

So why this depressing ramble? I guess right now I’m thinking about my upcoming birthday and where I thought I would be right now. Have I checked off enough items on the life list by now, or do I need to pick up my pace?

Hey, at least you’ve got more reasoning as to why I chose to start this blog now.

If you’re reading this, I apologize that none of it makes sense haha

Alright, Here’s a More Real Introduction

I’m actually so encouraged to have received some likes right away, so thank you – it’s cool to feel like there are kindred spirits out there, and that alone has me writing this post now/feeling a drive that this will work for me.

So, more about me, since that’s why I’m (and you’re….?) here.

I got to this point because of a few things this year – one of these factors was my father remarrying this year, after finalizing his divorce with my other not a year ago yet. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame my dad for leaving my mom. My mom is a very difficult person (the root of a lot of things for me, tbh), but he left in a pretty difficult way. In short, my dad reconnected with his HS girlfriend on LinkedIn, and I think he say that as ‘finally’ a way out of his situation. It still sucks for various reasons – to lay it out there immediately, my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 12. I don’t say this for pity, but for you to understand that she changed a lot from that day forward. Sure, she was difficult and demanding, but this is something that amplifies certain characteristics and changes a person. So, his leaving made her already fairly crazy thoughts even more so, and my brothers and I are left with what she has left. TOO DRAMATIC.

Anyway, that’s one. The biggest reason I am here is to better myself for myself in order to be a better friend, partner, and person. I have allowed myself to act impulsively to deal with negative and depressing feelings, and I don’t want to do that anymore.

I think that I have a tendency to see the world as revolving around me due to the nature of our technological society. I don’t want to be that way anymore, and yet here I am using technology to help me figure it out. But I guess it’s the people behind the screen – me, you – and not necessarily the website.

I hope we can figure this out together ❤

What Do I Want?

In prepping for this blog, I read waaaaaaay too  many self-improvement, self-care, etc. articles on how to create routines/goals to better myself. Therefore, you are going to be the audience to my goals:

  • Maintain a healthy lifestyle
  • Go to London
  • Learn a new skill within the next six months (SUGGESTIONS WELCOME)

London is a big one, so that’s going to take a while and a lot of motivation to save for myself.

Bring it….?